…i never told you…

February 28, 2010

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there’s no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can’t believe that I still want you
And after all the things we’ve been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I’m not around you
It’s like I’m alone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can’t believe that I still want you
And after all the things we’ve been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can’t believe that I still want you
And after all the things we’ve been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

– colbie caillat

walking away

February 25, 2010

I can’t wait around indefinitely for your commitment.

[Walking_Away_From_Everything_by_vampire_zombie.jpg]

You knew full well that i’m a damaged person who finds it difficult to believe, yet you did everything to convince me, and then you disappeared. It makes me wonder who i am to you, really. Your nonchalance is disturbing and insensitive, and contrary to what you think, it is a most screwed up defense mechanism.

So i’m leaving. Because i’m worth more than that, despite what you made me feel.

I’ll slowly stand up again by myself, whether or not you resolve your issues. But i really hope you do.

momma’s in TX

February 21, 2010

so my mom decided at the last minute to come visit me for a week before she goes back to work in mid-march. i’ve been kinda down lately because i dont really know many people in the area and just started working at the hospital so i haven’t made any friends yet.  trust me, my friend count is very low these days… very atypical. haha.  so when she called and asked if i’d love some company i didn’t hesitate.  she flew in on thursday night and will leave early on thursday morning.  

friday i got home early from work to find mom baking 6 dozen cookies for me to freeze, chicken was boiling for a dinner casserole, and two dozen roses were on my counter in a gorgeous vase!  nice way to come home.  we watched a few episodes of FRIENDS and i crashed early.

saturday i woke up to the smell of eggs, bacon, and toast. took a quick shower and we were off to explore. mom wanted to go to Macys, plus i needed to get more makeup from MAC so we headed towards temple about 20 minutes north.  mom found some good clothes and of course they dont carry MAC cause they aren’t a “big” macys.  oh well, i tried.  off to find a kirklands (mom has been addicted ever since we went to one in houston in december) store in austin.  we hit up Kohls, Kirklands (i bought two vases for  my apartment), and of course mom insisted we go to michaels to get the vases set up.  she knew if we left and she didn’t get it done, my vases would still be empty when she came back next time.  she knows me too well. ahhaha.     well here was the end result.  they came out really good. 

still determined to find my makeup i thought i’d try my luck and look up a nordstrom in the area.  low and behold i found one… so we drive down the 183.  it didn’t even hit me where we were driving and as we turn into the parking lot we notice a bunch of people standing along the road taking pictures.  we look across the street and there is the IRS building where the guy flew his private plane into on Thursday.  crazy!  didn’t even try looking for it, just stumbled upon it.  needless to say, the nordstrom was a nordstrom rack (at least i know where one is now i guess).  still looking for a nordstrom around here :(.  but my day was a success cause i found a ‘big” macy’s where they had my makeup.  lol.  big lebowski time (i know i have an exciting life… watch movies on a friday and saturday night)!!!

now its sunday and i thought i’d surprise her and make her breakfast.  thought i’d heard her getting up so i started the eggs, etc.  and when all was said and done she didn’t come out of her room… she’s still sleeping.  so im trying to eat all 6 eggs hahaha.  its not working so well.  oh well.  man its 1030 and she’s still not up. well… till later.

i wish you love

February 14, 2010

I wish you bluebirds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss, but more than this

I wish you love

And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health

But more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best

My very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

I wish you love

I wish you love, love, love, love, love

I wish you love

– rachael yamagata

p.s. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY  or ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY 🙂

if it kills me-jason mraz

February 12, 2010

for those of us girls who are secretly in love with their best friend…

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that’s a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

[Chorus:]
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn’t healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there’s a lot that I miss
In case I’m wrong

[Chorus]

If I should be so bold
I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I’d tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man
But I never said I word
I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I’ll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

in an earlier post i wrote about my frustration the past few years with seeing most of my friends falling in love, getting married, and now having kids.  i look back on the kids i graduated with and i feel like a good majority are in this phase of life, and a part of me feels like im stuck falling behind. i’ve wondered when will it finally be my time to be happy?  when will it be my time to start a family?  well anyways, even through the frustration i’ve continued to pray and have continued to trust in God’s plan for my life.  i was emptying my book boxes one day and was sitting down and for some reason i felt like i needed to read boy meets girl by joshua harris.  i read this book many years ago, however after rereading it i knew that it was God working in me.  two quotes that i had highlighted before but never fully took them to heart, i now understood. it was like i was reading it for the first time, funny how growing up makes you see things differently…

“Maybe you wish your Prince or Princess would have arrived by now. But God is right on schedule. He knows exactly what He’s doing. He sees you right where you are. He hasn’t forgotten you. He hasn’t overlooked you. The circumstances you’re going through–no matter how difficult–are part of the very happy ending He has planned.”

“Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for his grace.”

God is good.  His love for me is endless.  this was just what i needed to remember that i’m right where i need to be  ♥

doing alot of thinking

February 9, 2010

so my devotion today was Psalm 121.

I lift up my eyes to the hills–
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip–
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

….

The Lord will keep you from all harm–
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

sometimes i randomly open the bible to a page and read from the first word i see. well tonight happened to land on the story of Mordecai from Esther. his life story is one filled with many challenges that he turned into opportunities. basically, God blended both character and circumstances to accomplish great things in Mordecai’s life. this showed me that God uses situations i face daily to weave a pattern of godliness into my character. some lessons that i learned from reading Mordecai’s life story: 1) the opportunities we currently have are more important than the ones i wish i had, 2) i need to focus on the present moment and not get stuck in what happened in the past or what i look forward to in the future, 3) i can trust God to weave together the events of my life for my best, even though i may not be able to see the overall pattern, and 4) the rewards for doing right are not always seen at first, but they are guaranteed by God himself.

i’ve noticed the past week that i am no longer a real positive person. i have been disappointed with things army-wise that have happened in the past month or so and i’ve let it really get to me. i usually dread going to work, i see the negative of every situation, i find myself complaining alot, and really looking forward to 978 days from now when i can officially be out of the army. also, i dont think it helps that another girl im with in the program has a list of complaints daily… i think i just get sucked in and agree whether or not i actually believe them to be true–it really affects my attitude and how i then see the rest of my day. today i was especially having a hard time so i continued to ask God to help me see the positives, and to help me keep a positive attitude throughout my day. luckily i can say that whenever i felt a negative thought come in i quickly asked for Gods strength and help… im one day in of being positive, i hope to keep this streak up 🙂

so… i ask you to pause and seek Gods help to respond appropriately to the situations you find yourself in today and everyday. may you see the blessings with a positive heart rather than with a negative one.

the past few years i’ve been frustrated because it seems like im behind all my friends in the getting married, having kids aspect of life. i’ve always put school and work before dating, i dont know why. maybe i figured if i had my career figured out then everything else would just fall into place. so last year i decided no boys, im not gonna worry about it, im just gonna leave everything up to God and hopefully he’ll leave me alone for awhile haha… little did i know i’d be thrown into many directions with many options none of which i asked for. when i was dating preston last year he always played this song and i had to laugh because both him and i knew we weren’t meant for each other but that we were “waiting” for the one that we hadn’t yet met…

I’m Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It’ll All Turn Out
You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

Mmmmm ….

I Might Have To Wait
I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Timing
And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It’s Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ……

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

They Say All’s Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won’t Need To Fight It
We’ll Get It Right
And We’ll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm …..

And Someday I Know It’ll All Turn Out
And I’ll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I’ll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It’ll All Turn Out
And You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

I Just Haven’t Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love …..
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet
Love Love Love …..
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

here’s a video that my mom had posted on her facebook page a long time ago and i just saw. i can’t exactly explain all the reasons why i joined the military i think alot of them are pretty self explanatory and from personal experiences.  as most of my family knows… my cousin PFC Cory Kosters died in Iraq on March 5, 2007.  since his death i’ve wanted to help injured soldiers in any way that i can. 

I am a compassionate and empathetic individual and I feel like the soldiers of present and past have risked their lives daily to provide me with the freedoms for which I am grateful. One way I can show how much I appreciate them and their families is by providing them with the best nursing care I can give. Knowing that many soldiers are serving away from their loved ones and relatives, it can be difficult for them to feel the direct support and love they might need. If I can be that comforting hand and calming support when they are far from those, then I will feel like I am doing my job. the nurse in me loves helping people… and why not help those who risk their lives daily so that americans can be back home safe and free.

i want to be deployed to iraq/afghanistan and i know that scares the crap out of my mom but i feel like if i can make a difference for one soldier then that is huge for me.  well heres a video of what we do 🙂

a letter of longing

February 2, 2010

To that someone who will never be replaced,

I sat beneath the star-spangled sky watching you. You’re laughing with your friends, cracking silly jokes with joy written all over your face. You’re happy indeed and indeed you’ve missed them. It’s been a long time since you have left. I missed your laughter, those eyes of yours that held all the beauty in the world and our moments, such memories filled with endless wonder. We could have died of happiness, or at least I could have.

Now you’re back. Truly my prayers have been answered, that those long cold nights of crying were not in vain. It’s sad though, how you forgot about me, how you ignored my presence, how I had to steal glimpses of you, how I sit here, here under this thick, moonless, black canvass craving for your attention.

I guess I have no more room in your heart. I guess all the roles in your little theater show have already been taken, that happiness is only a state of mind, a phony dream, a trap of wonderful promises. Still, I’ll leave a space for you in my heart, in case you’ll need me, in case you’ll return.