to let go

May 1, 2010

How does anyone ever really let go of someone? it might just be me, but I remember every crush I’ve ever had. literally, let me indulge you:

  • Tim Jarvis, we met at church when we were live five… liked him through middle school, and high school.
  • Matt Anema, hahaha. man. me and val were in love with him and joel. anyways, moving on from that one… ha
  • Aaron Caluza, my best friend at the time was “talking” to him in middle school, but i secretly had a crush on him. in high school he asked me to winter formal, i was too nervous to admit i still kinda liked him and told him no.
  • Ronnie, he taught me everything about being in a real relationship without actually having to call it that. you hated me for it, but I genuinely appreciate now more than ever that you let me be me, you taught me what it is to be truly comfortable with someone else. learned my love for R&B music, i remember picnics at the park (me studying and him just sleeping), i remember sitting through a basketball game cause he was sooo excited–i hate basketball. i had many first date experiences and gained my love for going to new places (Venice Beach pier, Hollywood, swapmeets, beach bonfires,etc.)
  • Josh “oopie”, my first real love, you changed it all, you made love turbulent and painful and complicated and challenging, but you also taught me that the best things are worth fighting for, until they aren’t anymore. you made me feel when I really didn’t want to and you made me want you even when I didn’t feel like it. we made no sense, but it was more real than anything else in my life. he made staying up till 4 am worth it even though i had to be up at 6. i found a love for accents, for drunk calls in the middle of the night, for nights i dont regret, and a respect for marines. i found that i loved seeing your smile or hearing your voice, even if it was a cuss word. i found an appreciation for a quirky personality, and that i wanted to be with you cause you made me laugh, alot. sometimes i find myself still as much in love as the first day i realized it.
  • Mike, someone who has judged but never cut me out, someone who has been patient through all the hormones and craziness–mostly cause i think theres a little crazy in him. but needless to say, someone who’s there when im having a bad day, someone who keeps pushing the door open when im wanting to shut the world out. he’s one person that i dont mind being myself with, its more a comfort level. shuluks one of those friends that no matter how many times i’ve gotten mad and tried to cut him out of my life (happens alot), he pries his way back in all the time, but im grateful that he does… because honestly i wouldn’t want him to be gone. i just wish he didn’t push my buttons so much–that would decrease the number of fights we have. Lol Getting to hang out with him is worth decorating a christmas tree, setting up a train-track, playing video games for hours, and spending new years with a bunch of people i dont know; somehow in the end, its worth the friendship.

All of these guys have made me who I am.

I used to be one of those women who would go around preaching “no regrets”, but i dont think thats truly me. I don’t just let things go and chalk it up to this huge and ambiguous concept called life. Of course I live in regret and I replay a million things over and over in my head but thats life. Regret keeps me real and keeps me grounded and it reminds me that at any point in my crazy, hectic, messy and turbulent life, after one bad decision, i could actually learn something. i try not to live in regret, because those experiences have made me who i am, they’ve molded me and taught me lessons along the way.

So here’s to the guys who made me who I am. Single, a little resentful, independent yet comfortable with who I am. Thank you to those mentioned and those who aren’t, like I said, I remember every guy I’ve liked. Here’s to the guys who probably don’t remember your name or how you met but somewhere along the way made an impact on your life in a way that makes no sense, until it all comes together and you learn to just love the mess that you’ve become.

So when you wonder how anyone gets over any one in their life, maybe consider that nobody truly gets over anybody, you just find some way to move on. never forgetting and instead somehow letting them influence you on some level, even if it’s as small as switching toothpastes, or trying to cut back on all the cussing. Sure enough, you’ll find traces of all these men lingering somewhere in my life, maybe it’s on my iPod or in a letter stuffed in a book on my shelf, or maybe it’s on my mind right now. This isn’t proof of anything, but maybe it’s just for you to know, that you shouldn’t have to worry about getting over someone if you don’t want to, because maybe after it’s all said and done, you don’t have to.


2 Responses to “to let go”

  1. Jen said

    Val told me about this blog. We were laughing 😀

  2. beachsnowbabe said

    hahaaha. i totally didn’t even think about the fact that you read my blog. she sent me a text and was like i only got through matt and joel and was dying laughing, i got out and had to text you… eh. i was thinking back and when that one came to my head i literally laughed for a good ten minutes, and decided it was going on the list! lol

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