if you want to annoy your labor and delivery nurse…

July 18, 2010

no job is without frustrations and annoyances. i have learned to laugh at the little things that happen at my job, daily. laughing is the only thing that makes sense in order to keep from pulling your hair out! So without further ado…

1. Show up at labor and delivery without having even called your doctor first! Trust me, your doctor will “love” this too.

2. Call 911 and arrive by ambulance after having 1 contraction at home. (If you come in by ambulance, we are usually betting that you will either be holding a baby in your arms when you arrive or you’ll be 1 cm/30/-4.

3. Approximately 15 seconds after you push that baby out, please by all means, ask “How much does she weigh? or How long is he?” (note:When you see scales or a measuring tape, this might be a good indicator of when to ask this question.)

4. Push your call light and when your nurse comes in the door, ask her to hand you something on the table right next to you.

5. Push your call light, when your nurse comes in, ask her for some ice, then when she comes back in the room, ask her for a spoon, then when she comes back with that, ask her for some socks, a toothbrush and some toothpaste. (Seriously, did you not think to bring a toothbrush to the hospital? You knew you’d be here for at least 2 days.)

6. Rate your pain a 10 out of 10 while lying in bed watching MTV and talking on the phone with a friend.

7. Please tell your mother and mother in law to coordinate schedules and alternate coming in every 7 minutes to ask the following questions…
“How are things going?” – Well about the same as 7 minutes ago.
“Has she dilated any more?” Well, we try not to do cervical exams every 5 minutes, you know that whole infection thing. If you want I can just keep my hand up there all day long so we’ll know immediately when anything happens.
“When do you think the baby will be here?” Well if i knew that I’d be making a lot more money than I am right now.
“Can you come get me if anything changes?” Sure thing, if something happens, the first thing I’ll do is walk away from my patient to come inform you.

8. Also, tell your whole family to stand behind me while I am charting and comment on the contractions and the baby’s heart rate incessantly saying – “OOhhh, look at those contractions, wow they are big!” “Wow, that one went off the chart!” “Wow is the baby’s heart rate supposed to be doing that? Should you call the doctor?” “How close together are the contractions?”

9. When you get nauseated and throw up, don’t grab the bag/emesis basin I just gave you, just throw up in the bed or on the floor and then you and your whole family can watch me clean it up.

10. Tell me that you are uncomfortable and then you and your baby daddy proceed to lay there and watch while I struggle to move your deadweight epiduralized self into a “comfortable” position. Seriously people, it’s called LABOR for a reason. It’s not a day at the spa. This is especially “funny” when your nurse is pregnant.

11. When it’s time to push and I ask “Dad” to help hold a leg, by all means, dare him to tell me no. First of all, I cannot hold both of your dead legs up and help you push at the same time. Second of all, he got you in this mess, it’s the LEAST he can do.

12. Get your whole family to come stand at the desk, watch the strips from other rooms and start asking questions about other patients. Ever heard of HIPAA people??

13. Tell me you want to be “No information” and then don’t tell your family what room you are in. Then get mad at us for not telling them you are here when they ask for you at the desk. What part of NO INFORMATION is not clear to you?

14. Get your family to go in and out of the after hours door to smoke (the one where we have to buzz them in) over and over and over again! And the button on the wall, just press it once, you don’t have to lay on it like a horn. BEEEEEEEEEP! Let me tell you, its music to my ears!

15. When I ask your family to go to the waiting room, tell them to just congregate in the hall right outside your door blocking the way to the OR.

sadly, these situations happen VERY frequently. you can ask any l&d nurse and I guarantee she has encountered all these situations more than once.

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